Full Catastrophe Living
School is set to start up on Monday and I'm not really looking forward to it. The spring semester saw me practically lose my mind; between reading for classes, activism, working on my mom's case, training for a marathon, ice climbing, my dog, girlfriend...
Things should be a little easier this semester - I'm taking fewer classes, won't do nearly as much activism, I ran the marathon, the ice hasn't formed yet, still have the dog, and my girlfriend left me. So... time to evaluate my mental headspace.
I feel okay overall. I thought about sleeping with a bunch of women to try and make myself feel better but that is a rather hollow idea. A distraction to keep myself from the work that needs to be done. Mental rehab is tough work. I've gotten into a habit of trying to call myself out anytime I find myself judging other people, comparing, competing, lying to myself, or being negative in general. Exhausting work. If I'm not doing one of the above I busy thinking about the past, living the glory days. I guess even this post is a reflection in a way. I'll let it slide becasue it is theraputic in a way. Anyways, have you ever noticed how hard it is to live in the present? I went for a walk today in the woods and kept catching myself thinking and not paying attention to this beautiful area I was in. I finally made a concerted effort and boy was it worth it. I ran into a new plant species I haven't seen before, this beautiful yellow flower that dangels precariously from a slender stem. So delicate, rich and alive. On the way down I found a bumble bee that had recently died. It was neat to examine it; the furry legs with small spikes... I saw a robin egg that had probably just hatched. I haven't seen one of those in years. Not becasue they aren't there, but because I've been living somewhere else, always thinking about something. Ironic that I spend about an hour a day in the woods. I haven't really enjoyed any of it - I haven't even been there. The same can be said of many other aspects of my life - thus the ex-girlfriend I suppose.
So the re-awakening is beginning. Like a butterfly leaving the cocoon I'm emerging with a new purpose. It feels amazing. Sometimes I close my eyes and just focus on my breathing. I open my eyes and cry because everything is so beautiful.
The work is just starting though, law school was a big catalyst for going into the cocoon and it is going to take everything I have to keep from returning to the dead. Learning when to step off the grid and see the robin's eggs is certainly a challenge.
Things should be a little easier this semester - I'm taking fewer classes, won't do nearly as much activism, I ran the marathon, the ice hasn't formed yet, still have the dog, and my girlfriend left me. So... time to evaluate my mental headspace.
I feel okay overall. I thought about sleeping with a bunch of women to try and make myself feel better but that is a rather hollow idea. A distraction to keep myself from the work that needs to be done. Mental rehab is tough work. I've gotten into a habit of trying to call myself out anytime I find myself judging other people, comparing, competing, lying to myself, or being negative in general. Exhausting work. If I'm not doing one of the above I busy thinking about the past, living the glory days. I guess even this post is a reflection in a way. I'll let it slide becasue it is theraputic in a way. Anyways, have you ever noticed how hard it is to live in the present? I went for a walk today in the woods and kept catching myself thinking and not paying attention to this beautiful area I was in. I finally made a concerted effort and boy was it worth it. I ran into a new plant species I haven't seen before, this beautiful yellow flower that dangels precariously from a slender stem. So delicate, rich and alive. On the way down I found a bumble bee that had recently died. It was neat to examine it; the furry legs with small spikes... I saw a robin egg that had probably just hatched. I haven't seen one of those in years. Not becasue they aren't there, but because I've been living somewhere else, always thinking about something. Ironic that I spend about an hour a day in the woods. I haven't really enjoyed any of it - I haven't even been there. The same can be said of many other aspects of my life - thus the ex-girlfriend I suppose.
So the re-awakening is beginning. Like a butterfly leaving the cocoon I'm emerging with a new purpose. It feels amazing. Sometimes I close my eyes and just focus on my breathing. I open my eyes and cry because everything is so beautiful.
The work is just starting though, law school was a big catalyst for going into the cocoon and it is going to take everything I have to keep from returning to the dead. Learning when to step off the grid and see the robin's eggs is certainly a challenge.
posted by John in Montana at 4:53 PM
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