Update

I haven't posted anything in probably 9 months. So what has been going on? Well, I moved into a yurt for 4 months with new girlfriend. Shot a deer. Cried alot after I shot it. Butchered deer with friends. Ate deer. Moved to San Francisco to finish last semester of law school. Started work with the Sierra Club. Currently living out of back of truck. I like to park next to Golden Gate Park.

Colossal Errors

I was at a conference about a month ago in Eugene Oregon. I went to a panel that was focusing on the Clean Water Act. The moderator was giving a description of all the recent cases and described one case where the lawyer would have won the case but he or she forgot to insert a couple of boiler plate lines in his complaint. I remember thinking ouch, but then thought that with all the shit you are supposed to remember an error seems inevitable.

I just made what I would consider to be a colossal error. I am working for an attorney that asked me to do something and I misunderstood what I was supposed to do and did something completely wrong.

The stress of having people's livelihoods in your hands is hard to describe. Waking up at two in the morning feeling gripped that you might have fucked something up is not much fun. I think maybe I should stick to representing plants and animals.

When Discrimination Can Be A Good Thing

Discrimination is commonly thought of as being a bad thing. I'd like to posit the idea that discrimination against gays can be a good thing - as in the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy of the U.S. Government. For those of you living under a rock, the Government doesn't allow openly gay people into the army. I think in this specific case, discrimination against gays can be viewed as a positive thing. Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely nothing against gays in general - to each his/her own. What I do have a problem with, however, is the U.S. killing over a million innocnet Iraqis. I have a problem with the CIA torturing people and destroying the evidence. I have a problem with Gitmo. And last but not least, I have a problem with the entire idea of maintaining a military. Because I don't think we should even maintain a military, I don't have a problem with the military telling people they can't join. I would maintain that position regardless of whether the military was discriminating against blacks, whites, native americans, or anyone else. I actually hope the military expands their discriminatory practices - maybe one day we won't have a military.
I guess what I'm getting at is that for me, saving people's lives - whether they be gay people wanting to go to Iraq, or innocent Iraqis being killed by U.S. military personnel - weighs more on the utilitarian scale than the concept of equality or ending discrimination. Again, I want to emphasize that I am tenatively endorsing (until someone gives me a good reason not to) discrmination only in the very narrow military context. If it were a school that was discriminating based on sexual orientation I would come to a completely different outcome. Don't ask about where I come out on a military school - too much interpenetration of the topics (pun intended).
This is most likely a moralistic judgement call. I've already been told by a friend that the means don't justify the ends, but I tend to think they do.

This blought (blog about a thought) was sparked by a conversation I was having with a friend about one of my school's policies. The school foregoes millions of dollars of fuding every year in what is commonly known as Solomon funds. We don't get the funds because we don't let military recruiters on campus.

I was thinking we should let recruiters on campus for a few different reasons:
1. They can recruit across the street at the post-office. Note: They aren't yet, but does that change anything?
2. We could give millions of dollars worth of scholarships to gay students that want to work in the public interest field after school.
3. Supposedly I'm going to one of the most liberal schools in the country. By the time you are in law school, you tend to be settled into your ideologies.
4. I would table right next to the fuckers every day with stats on how many people they are killing worldwide.

The person I was discussing this with tried to raise the analogy of corporations on college campuses and how that is a bad idea. While I tend to agree that allowing large multi-nationals to turn college campuses into a marekting zone is a bad idea, I subscribe to that idea because the tradeoff simply isn't worth it. A corporation like Coca-Cola might give $15/student, which isn't anything compared to the marketing benefits they are receiving. On the other hand, if you are giving millions of dollars to a school with 600 semi-liberal students, you are talking about a significant amount of money per student. What is the tradeoff? You might lose a student or two to the darkside, but you might significantly lessen the debt from a group of students who will get out of school with more than $150K in debt. If you lower their debt, you will make a public interest job more accessible.
All I'm saying is that the school should consider the cost benefit analysis before coming to any conclusion. I think the school is doing all the students a disservice by saying that the military discriminates and ending the analysis there. Either or thinking is a trap.

Field Notes

I went into the belly of the beast this past weekend - Washington D.C. - for the annual National Lawyers Guild convention.

One of the panels hosted a Supreme Court justice from Venezuela. He pointed out some interesting tidbits that I wasnt' getting from the BBC regarding Hugo Chavez's constitutional reforms. Popular media has been saying that students are against the proposed changes. What the media fails to point out, however, is that the students happen to be from one school - a private catholic school at that. Not exactly an insignificant fact. In terms of abolishing presidential term limits, the media has also failed to point out that Venezuela is the only country to allow for a referendum/recall vote. This actually happened in 2004 and Chavez remains in office.

I can only imagine where our country would be if we could hold a referendum for Bush tomorrow. This year was bleak; I'm guessing next year won't be much better.

The Invitation

Every now and then we hear or read something that inspires us to
evaluate who we are or aren't. This poem was given to me years ago by a friend and it seemed like a good time to review it.

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living,
I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own,
if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill
you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic,
or to remeber the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you're telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself,
if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when its not pretty everday,
and if you can source your life from God's presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure,
yours and mine,
and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"YES!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.

I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair,
weary and bruised to the bone,
and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn't interest me who you are,
how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,
and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Orion Mountain Dreamer

Full Catastrophe Living

School is set to start up on Monday and I'm not really looking forward to it. The spring semester saw me practically lose my mind; between reading for classes, activism, working on my mom's case, training for a marathon, ice climbing, my dog, girlfriend...

Things should be a little easier this semester - I'm taking fewer classes, won't do nearly as much activism, I ran the marathon, the ice hasn't formed yet, still have the dog, and my girlfriend left me. So... time to evaluate my mental headspace.

I feel okay overall. I thought about sleeping with a bunch of women to try and make myself feel better but that is a rather hollow idea. A distraction to keep myself from the work that needs to be done. Mental rehab is tough work. I've gotten into a habit of trying to call myself out anytime I find myself judging other people, comparing, competing, lying to myself, or being negative in general. Exhausting work. If I'm not doing one of the above I busy thinking about the past, living the glory days. I guess even this post is a reflection in a way. I'll let it slide becasue it is theraputic in a way. Anyways, have you ever noticed how hard it is to live in the present? I went for a walk today in the woods and kept catching myself thinking and not paying attention to this beautiful area I was in. I finally made a concerted effort and boy was it worth it. I ran into a new plant species I haven't seen before, this beautiful yellow flower that dangels precariously from a slender stem. So delicate, rich and alive. On the way down I found a bumble bee that had recently died. It was neat to examine it; the furry legs with small spikes... I saw a robin egg that had probably just hatched. I haven't seen one of those in years. Not becasue they aren't there, but because I've been living somewhere else, always thinking about something. Ironic that I spend about an hour a day in the woods. I haven't really enjoyed any of it - I haven't even been there. The same can be said of many other aspects of my life - thus the ex-girlfriend I suppose.

So the re-awakening is beginning. Like a butterfly leaving the cocoon I'm emerging with a new purpose. It feels amazing. Sometimes I close my eyes and just focus on my breathing. I open my eyes and cry because everything is so beautiful.

The work is just starting though, law school was a big catalyst for going into the cocoon and it is going to take everything I have to keep from returning to the dead. Learning when to step off the grid and see the robin's eggs is certainly a challenge.

Just when I thought law school was about to suck all life out of me...

I go and win a drag show contest. Yep, I took the plunge and put on a dress. A tight, short one at that. I didn't have a wig or put makeup on though; maybe next time. The GLBT group on campus put on their annual "GAYLA" event and encouraged people to cross dress. The group brought in professional performers from NYC and Boston. I admit I was a little out of my comfort zone watching them dance. At the risk of sounding like a bigot - a few of them just looked weird. Not that I'm one to talk, walking around in a dress myself. Towards the end of the night I started to feel a little more comfortable. My partner and I have a friend who is gay and we ended up sitting in the very front row so that he could take better pictures. One of the performers got up pretty close to me expecting a kiss - students hooted after I pecked her on the cheek. After the performers were done the guys that wore drag were brought onto the stage for the judging. I was crowned the king - or is it queen. After the contest I headed over to the bar to rub elbows with some locals. I caught a few looks but handled myself pretty well. Overall I had a pretty good time. It was a good experience to get out of my comfort zone and be around a little more diverse group. I'm stoked that the law school footed the bill to bring drag queens to the school. I'm not sure how many other law schools can say the same.